I’m an Artist

I’m an artist… maybe you can tell from my profile picture? That pink Rugosa Rose? Well I admit to having dried up in the creativity department I have artwork I started a year ago I need to finish and give to the person already! I should be ashamed of myself! I even bought 10 huge sheets of hot pressed watercolor paper that I cut into 4 large sheets each! So, I have 40 pieces of paper waiting to be drawn and painted on! I need to FOCUS on my artwork in January!

Focus Card reduced no sig

Advertisements

I’m Not a Big Griever…

I’m not a big griever and I feel bad about that! My two sisters still grieve for our mother who passed on 3 years ago Dec. 6th of 2014.  My one sister claims she breaks down bawling from time to time when she misses mom. My other said she’s still grieving.. and I image she cries too, she always was the most sensitive sister.  I don’t get depressed, I don’t really cry about it. I did feel very saddened at the time of her death and was a little depressed for a few months and yes I cried a little and had to get used to her being gone when I go to visit. I always talk about mom with dad. I think it’s important to keep her memory alive.  I just accept what happened and live in the present moment! I admit on occasion I feel sad and miss mom, but not to the extent two of my sisters do. Is there something wrong with me? The same thing happened when my grandparents died and my aunts and uncles died. I just didn’t feel overwhelming sadness like I suppose I should. I’ve always had the ability to live in the present moment and what happened in the past just stays there most of the time. I know how really bad we will all feel when dad passes on someday. We have gotten much closer to him after mom died.

Perfectly Imperfect

Our bodies are very flawed as you know. One side of our body is not exactly like the other side. One nostril may be bigger than the other, one eye might be another color.  One eye may be bigger and or higher. One breast may be bigger than the other and usually is!

For instance I shower and put on deodorant everyday, yet if I did some sweaty heavy cleaning I notice the left armpit will stink and the other won’t. My left ear produces much more wax than the right which hardly produces any. My left breast is smaller than my right.  I have a small dimple in my right cheek but not in my left and my smile is not balanced out. One foot is 1/2 size larger than the other!

I’ve seen lots of flaws in other people. Some are more attractive than me, some less, and I consider myself rather plain to look at. I know I’m not the only imperfect human specimen out there in the world and it makes me feel better knowing we are all perfectly imperfect!

“You have High Cholesterol!”

I was recently diagnosed with high cholesterol last month. My triglycerides were 320 and considering 150 is normal something has to be done.  I wasn’t going to take the cholesterol meds and opted to change my diet first before trying any medication, but I wasn’t good at following the diet, so a week later I went to my patient portal and messaged a request for the medicine. Especially after considering heart blockages are the norm in dad’s family and bypass surgery has been done on dad’s 4 siblings. Dad has gotten away without the surgery. He takes his cholesterol meds and downs 2 TB of flax meal mixed with some 1/2 and 1/2 everyday! Doesn’t that sound horribly throat clogging? I suppose I should do the same with the flax meal it seems to have helped him a lot but it gives horrible gas! Ugh! So I need to cook a Mediterranean diet for my husband’s Chronic Kidney Disease, and I eat the same food usually, so that helps too I hope. I go back for blood tests in December to see if this helps.

The Big Offender

Since last December, I’ve offended many people, mainly my aunt, who more or less stopped talking to me about 30 years ago. In doing that I also offended her son, his wife and grandchildren since they don’t talk to me in Facebook.. I do feel bad about that, but I had 30 years of unanswered questions. I was in an emotional mood that day, December riles me up, it has for years. I apologized as soon as I did and since it came out of the blue (to them), I probably sounded crazy.

Then a few weeks ago I got billed for clock I didn’t expect from volunteers at the historical building which I clean once a week, which included my aunt I mentioned, even though I gave them a replacement which wasn’t good enough. So I gave them their $5.00 and wrote a sarcastic note to go with with it. Friday I apologized again in a note, I’m not sure what they thought of that.  I said:

“I’m sorry about the clock fiasco, I hope no one holds a grudge. Can we move on from here and just be happy?” 

‘Don’t worry..”

“Be happy…”

and I signed my name and drew a cartoon of my face.

Anyway they might all think I’m CRAZY now and just avoid me. Maybe I did act out of character. Like I said I need a physical. My problem is I say things impulsively without any thought of consequence. I just blurt things out! I offend people all the time, just usually my family not other folks. I need to curb my enthusiasm for speaking what I’m FEELING…

I had a talk with my much older cousin and we decided I have to stop writing notes and letters. I KNEW that before I talked to her, I just got it confirmed!  She is a Sagittarius similar to me, she knows.  She said say what you feel but don’t put it in writing. I am a coward and hate confrontations so I write my damned notes! I just put my foot in my mouth every-time I turn around.  I seem irritable lately and don’t know why.

I wish I hadn’t gotten so angry that day, why didn’t I shrug it off like I used to do? I know it’s best to live in the PRESENT Moment and to leave the past behind.  I think I need a physical I haven’t been my easy going self lately.

I need to write a letter…

Last December I acted like a fool! I Really, Really regret it too! If I had only kept my big mouth shut! I more or less told my aunt off in a short note and two letters for giving me the cold shoulder for over 20 years! Aunt C married my dad’s younger brother. Now her son won’t really talk to me. I suppose I upset his mom…  Does he even realize she gave me the cold shoulder for about 30 years? I must have hurt her feeling horribly and offended her a lot to have her treat me that way, yet refuse to tell me what I did to upset her!

Now I want to sincerely apologize to her for the way I acted but I fear it will make things worse. You see she has one more reason to be hurt and offended by me. I think she needs to apologize to ME for giving me the cold shoulder all these years and not telling me why! She did the same thing to my wonderful caring mother!

Anyway I wanted to heal things between us, but her depth of hurt goes way too deep to forgive anyone. It’s not all about her. She hurt me and mom and several other people she gives the cold shoulder to. Anyone who hurt her feelings gets ignored by her.. it never ends…